I am an over performer. Why? ‘Cause I want and need people to like me. When you are a people pleaser, you out perform everyone in your world.
YOU put THEIR NEEDS first and YOUR needs LAST; or so you think.
THEIR issues trump YOURS; or so YOU think.
After a while you become bitter, frustrated and an a-hole that no one wants to be around. So much for performing to get your needs and wants met. Oh well.
Since I want and need people to like me, I am always on the look out for things that I can do to win favor with another. When someone needs help, I am there. Ready. Willing. And able. Aren’t I a great person. The model Christian and BFF ever. I should get an award.
I bend over backwards for others, help out when my help is not necessarily needed or wanted. I volunteer to assist even though my brain is screaming “NOOOOOO!” in my head. I have no boundaries, whatever the hell that means. I think I have great boundaries. They are just size of the Great Wall of China so that I can do favors for and help as many people as possible. I am an awesome human. Worthy of a Nobel Prize or something.
See, when I do for others, I feel good about myself. I believe that I am doing “good” and thus earning my keep and validating the very reason that I was born and reside on this rock third from the sun. Without my “do gooding” I am just taking up space, breathing other people’s air and in the way. Jesus, I am fucked up.
After I over perform, I pat myself on the back, puff out my chest and take pride in for being a great friend, husband, father and employee. I smile with great joy in my accomplishments of going way above and beyond the call of duty ’cause no one else would. I await the applause, bowing at the ankles, thank yous and the payback rewards I have earned by helping other and over performing. Sound familiar. This system is a recipe for relational disaster.
The applause never comes, the thank yous are lost in my spam box and the bowing at the ankles will never happen. I get depressed. Then, believe that others do not value me as I value them, fuckers. This belief drives hurt which fuels aggravation, frustration and even aggression. I’ll show those pricks for not honoring my do gooding with even a think you text. Bastards.
I put myself in this position.
My need and want for others to like me and my chosen manner of how to fulfill those needs and wants is completely fucked up. And, I have my head in my ass.
I need a cranium-rectum extraction to help me realize that I am over performing for MY benefit and not the benefit of OTHERS. I do all of this great stuff, career stuff for ME not THEM. It makes ME feel good because I believe that I am invaluable to others. They won’t abandon ME. They will be there for ME. They love ME. Wow. I really am that selfish and stupid. No wonder my life sucks.
Once I realize that all of this “running around like a chicken with its head cut off” effort to help others so that they are endowed to ME, worship ME, never leave Me, honor ME…you get the point, is all about ME and not THEM, I can start the healing process.
All of this do gooding is exhausting and often disappointing. I need balance. I need to wait to be asked to help. I need to help because I want to and not because I am secretly expecting something in return.
It’s hard work. Yet, less hard work than over performing with so many more benefits for ME and others.